ME and MY LONELINESS

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Siya didnot know how and from where to start . She tried holding her emotions , she didnt want to break down , if she let the tears come , she wouldnt be able to confide anything .. What will this end upto - good , bad or worse ??? She was torn between the battle of mind and heart . Her heart , as usual in a low and soft voice, said her to be true . ' Come on , speak up ! You have to ...After all he is going to marry you now , he is going to be your life partner , he must know everything ...' But her mind interuppted and in a stern voice it said - 'Now whats the need ? Everything is over ...Whats use of going back ? Why are you hurting yourself with those black memories , those very instances , which you feel so ashamed of , why go behind them again ?'

" Hey Siya , whats wrong ? What happened ? " , it was voice of Aayaan . " You wanted to say something , but past half an hour you are quiet ...Are you okay ??? " She nodded her head , forcefully faking a smile , but Aayaan understood - she wants to pour out , but her lips refuses to accompany her ...He took her hands into his and looking at the waves , which seemed synonmous to her thoughts , he whispered - " You know , after 47 days , this very minute , we will start our new journey , we will step into next phase of our life . " Siya couldnt control her emotions , and tears , which she had been trying to hide for a long time , didnt listen to her this time ... It was not the first time she was crying before him . She often have felt light by weeping before him , but it was the first time , he saw those expressions on her face.... expressions which seemed to be beyond his understanding..

Without thinking for a moment , without pondering what his reaction would be , Siya spoke up - " Aayaan , I want to tell you about my love stories ..." " Stories ...?" Aayaan had a puzzled look on his face ...He wanted to ask her something , but remained quiet . He saw her disturbed , and its better to keep my questions to myself , this is not the right moment - he thought . Siya saw his dilemma , and mustering up all the courage , she looked into his eyes and said - " I want you to know everything about me ...I know these few months you have become an inseperable part of my life , you have showered and papmpered with so much love and affection , which words will fail to describe ...and thats the reason , I am sharing the most bitter part of my life , which no one is aware of , except me ..." She wanted to speak more , but she saw the innumerable questions in his eyes . He was trying hard not to ask her anything , but his eyes did ...She understood ... all these talks have no meaning now , she cant beat around the bush for a long time . Its time she opened the lock of secrets , which she had hidden from whole world for a long time ....She remained silent for a minute . Taking a deep breath , she started ....

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"You know right I studied in a co-ed school ? " Aayaan nodded his head . He didnt know how to react . He was just controlling himself . Siya read what was going in his mind , but she continued - " I was in eight standard , when a boy used to sit next to me . His name was Sameer . He was very cute and smart . Almost half the girls of the class used to like him . He was very gentle and soft spoken . Not good in studies , but still was liked by everyone . " Sameer understood what that everyone meant . So it means even she was among them , he thought .." When he sat next to me , I noticed he had one bad habit . He used to cut his fingers through blade , for the girl he loved . Nothing sort of suicide and all , just for fun...I dont know what pleasure it gave them by seeing their own blood oozing out .I used to plead him so many times that he stops all that . But he would just retort back with his cute smile , assuring me not to get serious about it . You know how I am .."

Aayaan guessed that even she would have done something to herself , and her very next words confirmed his fears . " One day , we had serious fight , and I threatened Sameer that if he doesnt stop all that , I would also start hurting myself . He didnt listen , and thought that I was joking . Just out of love my friend , and wanting to stop him from doing all this , I cut my thumb that day . It was the first time , I hurt myself physically . The wound was very deep . It pained me so much . Since it was the first time , I had to stop the blood somehow and my kerchief had stains of blood ...I did tell him about it , but didnt show my wounds . Later , during last hours of my class , somehow he saw the blood stains on my hanky and asked me to show my wounds . I hid it , because all I wanted was he should stop all that crap . He was angry with me , because he knew that this will hurt me a lot and was bit dusturbed ..

He immediately told his love of my stupidity and they had a fight because of me - and you know what the fight was about ? He wanted to stop for few days , as I was getting emotional and his love wanted to continue this ...He stopped being friendly with me . He used to speak , but just formal talks . He knew I didnt have any other intentions , as he often used to tell me , except his love , everyone are like sisters to him . May be this word - sisterly affection made me to cut my hands ....

Sameer was never the same again ...Days went by and I used to silently admire him . In my fantasy world , he used to be my hero ...It was in XI std , I realized I started loving him . I didnt know what to do ? I thought for these many years , it was just sisterly affection , but I realized that whenever I used to think about him as sister , I would never get those sisterly feelings , it was something else , and I began to know what it was....

But Sameer had changed a lot . He was the same charming and handsome boy , but it seemed he fell into wrong company . We hardly spoke . And then came a time , when he hardly looked at me . There was a wide distance between us now , which I often wondered how... Days passed , turning into months and years and then we parted ways after XII....

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There was a moment of silence ...Aayaan didnt look at Siya this time , he looked at the sun who was waving him goodbye ..He felt as if the sun was teasing him , as if he too is leaving him in a state of darkness ..Aayaan didnt know what to do . The word "stories" was haunting him ...He knew Siya very well . She was very careful in selecting the words . She was always aware of what she was speaking , except during romantic mood . He was sure it was not her usual pranks too , because it wouldnt last that long . She would laugh it off in five minutes and her cute laugh will make him love her all the more ...But today things were different...They were at her favourite beach spot with hand in hand . Oh why didnt I guess that something is wrong when she held my hands so tightly today ? How stupid I am ! I have been so long with her , and yet I couldnt know whats going , whats she is feeling ...Oh how could I ... Aayaan was quite worried . Siya noticed the changes of emotions he was going through . His lips were sealed tight , but his face reflected everything . She closed her eyes for a second , as she knew , if she keeps staring at him , the purpose of this meet will have no use ...

" Time heals every wounds , and as days went by , I forgot Sameer ...I started to enjoy my college life ...I used to have lot of fun and masti...There was not a single time when I remembered Sameer . It was as if , with the end of school , the chapter of Sameer also closed . Some of my friends had boyfriends and lovers ...Seeing them , I would just feel that how I wish even I had one , but the name of Sameer would never come . Sameer never came to my mind again . He was gone out of my life , forever ...and I didnt worry about it too...because , I was busy enjoying the golden phase of my life ..Life went normal again , in fact , I was more happier than ever before . I got a bike to have fun , mobile , friends gang , everthing which I wanted ....I can say I was leading a perfect life .

But you know the way of life ....when we start to feel that we are flying , life pulls us down . I didnt know life will play such games with me that I would start to hate myself ...I never knew that one day , I would feel why am I living ? I would have even died , but I guess its your prayers , destiny wanted us to meet some day , so even death couldnt accept me ...." Siya started to cry again , this time she didnt want to stop . She wanted to cry out . The emotions which were piled up for years , broke loose . Aayaan was bit confused . Without telling anything , she is crying like this , aakhir aisi kya baat hai ? Aayaan gave his shoulder and let her open the closed gates . Once she cry her heart out , she will feel better , and I hope she has enough courage to tell everything ..

тнє 'ѕтσяιєѕ' вєgιηѕ

Aayaan didnt have any words to comfort Siya ...She was crying harder this time ..Aayaan became upset . He had never seen her broken this much ...He knew that something was defintely wrong , something terrible did happen to her , otherwise she wouldnt cry like this ...Aayaan was pained himself to see her crying like this , but what could he do ??? He felt helpless and was trying to be strong . Now and then , he would look at Siya , hoping she would get back to normal or atleast stop crying. He raised his hands to comfort her , but held it back . He understood that this was not right moment . Till she gets back courage , till she feels , she have no more tears left to cry , let me remain still . Aayaan was sitting in quite an odd position - his palms resting on the grounds backwards . He would usually sit in that postion with Siya , head rested on each others' , watching the dusk together , conversing in silence ...But today this silence was pricking him , yet he knew nothing could be done ..He had no other option but to wait ....

What seemed to be a long wait , finally came to an end ...Siya became silent . Aayaan slowly took his head . It was bit difficult for him , as he was in this unusual position for a long time . Siya didnt dare to face him . Aayaan took her face in his hands and wiped her tears ...She looked at him and could see the same love , but this time she saw a reflection of her own pain . She saw his helplessness and the unconditional love . One more small tear trickled down from her eye . She knew no one can love her this much ...not even Sandeep...and then she realized , she got to tell him about Sandeep too..

With a feeble voice , she spoke up " After I finished my college , I thought that I can face any challenge of life - almost anything ...But what did I knew life will play such games with me ....I loved freedom , so I decided to hop on a job and got placed in one of the good company ...As a fresher , it was challenging for me to adopt new things and rules , but I was fast enough to grasp everything . I felt happy admist all challenges because I loved journalism and taking up the course and moreover getting placed was dream come true for me ...

As I got involved into this new page of life , I got to meet many people . As days went , I had few colleagues , whom I could rely on and the rapport became smooth . Everyone used to consider me as kid , but there was one guy who was different from others . Whenever I used to cry of about something , he would laugh it of telling that I have never grown up . He was my senior , his name was Prakash , the one whom I used to report , but he was a very good friend . From the start , it was he who taught me everything . He used to call me Mam and I addressed him as Sir . And though we hated to be called like that , that was the way we would tease each other. I became quite close to him that other colleagues thought us something else ..I actually didnt knew about all this , until one day I heard from them that due to one of my messages , his fiancee was doubting . I was shocked , because I respected him as an elder brother ...I asked one of my friend to clear of this misundertsanding , because I was too shocked to hear something like this ...She spoke of , but Prakash didnt stay longer ...He had put down his papers...

тнє ƒιяѕт мιѕтαкє....

That was the biggest shock of my life , I didnt know how to take it . I thought him as my elder brother , he thought me to grow up in this corporate world and in a moment , everything finished . I never had an oppportunity to explain my innocence .In fact , for days , I couldnt face him , I never dared to . The friend whom I entrusted to talk with his finacee , knew about what I was going through . She took efforts to straighten up things , but trust once broken is broken for ever . I didnt go to office the day he left . Later I messaged him , apologizing for unintentionally disturbing his life . He assured that evrything is ok and I never dared to talk to him again ....

Life has to move on and probably God knew what I was going through and wanted to take my mind off these things ...I was taken in for an imporatant assignment . There were 4 of us in the team and it was an imporatant project that had to be finished in a short span of time . I gave in my best . In fact , I became so involved in the work that I forgot everything about my life and what I went through few days back . The project had been done and we finished the work successfully...It was during this period that I found a new friend in one of the colleague whom I was working with . Arif helped me a lot , both professionally and personally .At every step , he instructed me to on the way things to be done and all.

Arif was good , though not by looks , but by heart . Kinda childish in nature , always happy going and cheerful , sensitive , etc . But professionally , very matured . He had joined 6 months before me . Prakash had thought me a lot of things and it was Arif who gave it a polish . Though no one ever could take Prakash's place , Arif was still helpful . He knew about Prakash and me . Arif and I became good friends and we used to have late night chat occassionally . I came to know slowly of Arif's problems and he , of mine .

One night , during the casual chat , Arif asked me causally what would I do if I knew that someone loves me ? I replied without a thought that any girl would be happy to know that someone loves her so much . His next message was - " I love you " ...

Siya stopped for a second and looked at Aayaan . Aayaan didnt give in any reaction , he knew her very well ...In this four months , he understood Siya so well that even at times , when she was confused how she would react to things , Aayaan would predict correctly about her . She was amazed . She knew he was too good , but she expected some strange reaction , but couldnt see any ..He loved him truly and she too loved him dearly , but she knew any guy , especially a finacee would want girl-his fiancee to be her first love and love him only and no one else in the world...And these words would have hurted have him so much ...

Siya didnt have a heart to continue ....Her inner voice was pricking her . Oh , why did this all happen to me ? Oh God , why ? Why me ? I never did wrong to anyone , not even thought of it ..Then why you are testing me like this ...Oh Aayaan , I dont want to hurt you , please , please ..She immedaitely blurted out - " I am sorry Aayaan , I am really sorry ..Please please forgive me ...Please ..." Words failed to come through lips , but her heart was crying ....She felt at the moment that the earth beneath opens up and take her in ...

Aayaan took her shivering hands into his and assured " Siya , I love you and I know you very well . I trust you sweetheart ..." Trust you sweetheart . A smile twinkled in her moist eye , instilling a confidence in her , making her love him all the more . " Hey darling , I would love you same , no , even more day by day ... And I know you too love me a lot . See I dont want to know anything of your past . Whatever happened , leave it ok ..I dont want to see you disturbed . Its really ok ..." . " No Aayaan , I want you to know everything , everything .. but please promise me you wont leave me , please ...I will die without you ...I am ashamed of whatever happened but ..." " Yeah honey , I am always with you . I love you for what you are , and I will never leave you.. ok ? Trust me . I know you very well sweetheart . I know whatever you have gone through , you didnt do anything with bad intention , you were just immatured ..."

Siya nodded . She was amazed . He knows me so well ... Aayaan I really really love you ...And she hugged him tightly . Aayaan gave his million dollar smile " You want to leave now or....?" . " No I am fine , let me continue , I got lots to tell you ....."

тнє ƒιяѕт мιѕтαкє.... 2

Siya felt better . But she knew she wont be strong enough for long ...as she goes deeper into unravelling the secrets , she will be in need of more strength..Aayaan dont know anything yet..and I am sure the more I open up , things will become worse .But I cant go back again...No matter what , even if he leaves me , I got to tell him everything...Siya was more stronger now, she had to , if she wanted to continue...She held his hands firmly and with a new confidence , she let her thoughts wander back to the dead past .

" Arif was expecting my reply ...I didnt know what to reply him . The time was exactly 12.05 A.M . I was silent for few minutes and then closed of the conversation telling him that I will reply him tomorrow . He said ok , and left a message that he loves me dearly and even if my answer is in negative , he wants me to be his best friend forever . I was afraid for the first time in my life . I didnt how it all happened and I was thinking what made him to tell all this . I knew he was soft , nice guy . But I had to think can I love him ??? I had soft feelings for him , but for that can I be committed ????

I was and still am the person who believes in love strongly . I thought of going ahead and telling him yes but again refrained from thinking what will be the result of this ? Because he was of another caste , his eating style , lifestyle was completely different , in fact quite opposite , but I ignored all that . They say that 'Love is blind' na ? Its quite wrong ...Its not love thats is blind , but its lovers who become blind ...And I realize this today that why I had been so foolish . That one mistake lead to so many ...Anyways.. coming back ..."

Aayaan had guessed that she had accepted the proposal from the way she was blabbering . He didnt took it wrong , because he had already knew this from the time she cried . But he was still unaware of the shocks and surprises that were yet to come his way .... "It was about at 4 in the morning , I wrote a letter to Arif through the light of my mobile ...I penned down what all I expected out of this relationship - space , freedom , love , care , etc . Next morning he came to office soon and I handed him the letter . He was happy reading it and from then on , our love journey started - thats what I thought , unaware of what this will lead to..........

вιggєѕт мιѕтαкє σƒ нєя ℓιƒє

I felt I was the happiest girl in the world as I found my life partner , thats what I thought at that time...As we were in the same office , we got to spend time only for few days , after which he was shifted to another department . But still we always had breakfast and lunch together . And whenever we got a break , we were conversing in phone. It was typical like lovers , but our converstaion was always same as before..I am surprised now that how come I didnt speak to him as a lover used to..maybe because I was not in love at all..Anyways ..going back...We went out for movie once " Taare Zammen Par ".." Aayaan wanted to have a laugh...Two lovers going for a kid movie ?? but Siya had an answer " I know its funny , but we didnt get ticket for any other movie and that day he got his new bike , so he insisted that we go for a movie...That was the first time in my life that I sat with a guy on bike and went for a movie with him , of course without anyones knowledge ...

I felt cold at theatre , because I was scared of being caught ...It was the first time in my life and I didnt speak a word to him , for whole movie , because I thought even if some known person hears me , my life would end , and at that time I wanted to live !!!Since I was scared he held my hands . His hands were quite warm and mine was like a ice cube , freezing in cold . He held it for sometime but again I felt insecured . I just lay my head on his shoulder , but even with that I wasnt comfortable . Its only now I realize all the reasons for awkwardness ...

Time flew fast..What seemed to be a happy journey , with time reality showed its face ...We started to fight , but at the end of the day we would make it up..There was not a single night when we didnt chat ..I was at peace wiht my life ..Now and then Prakash's incident would hurt me , but still I moved on ..But life was preparing itself to pull me down ...

My birthday was approaching , and Arif asked me as to what gift I need from him . I just told him that I dont need any , because I knew he was going through a financial crunch . He would ask me everyday , but I denied to take anything ..I told him that I just need his love . When my birthday came , I thought it will be my most memorable day of life , because I was having one special reason this time ..and what I knew it will make my life hell...

Siyas hand had started to shiver and although Aayaan was holding it quite firmly , Siyas grip loosened ...This is the most disgusting part of my life Aayaan..I dont know how to tell you..All of a sudden stream of tears had started to flow from Siyas eyes . She looked at him as if , she was seeing him for the last time.. I know from now on , you will never be the same ...

She held his hands very tightly , knowing that it was hurting him ..But I wanna know how you will react after I tell you... She knew what would be his reaction , still...After 5 minutes of pause , she told herself Siya dont think , say it off , now... and she continued " Arif told he would give me a surprise and took me to the staircase at night . He asked me to close my eyes . I thought he wanted to gift me a surprise so I closed it but..but .. ... Comeon Siya say it off... she closed her eyes tightly and blurted out " but he kissed me on my lips "

Siya didnt know how he reacted , for her eyes were closed ..at that moment she didnt even want to face herself , yet she wanted to see how Aayaan reacted, but dared not to open her eyes . Aayaan had got shock of his life ...For first time , he left Siyas hand to shiver alone withdrawing his hands from hers...

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Siya didnt knew for how long she could remain like this . She desperately wanted Aayaan to break this silence . She was ready to evn see his other side , but if only you speak up !!! She knew no man , especially a fiancee , would ever like to hear about his would-be-life partner like this , even in their wildest of dreams ...She felt guilty of hurting Aayaan...She knew he was such a darling and to cause a person like him even a little pain , she felt bad ...

The silence was broken from a call in Siyas mobile . She immediately opened her bag and found that it was a call from home..She picked it up and the voice at other end sounded bit worried .." Ghar nahi aana hai kya ?? Pata hai time kya hua hai ? " It was her mom , who like a typical Indian mom , wanted her daughter to be back home on time , especially since she was with her fiancee.." Bus thodi der main ghar pahunchugi..."

She turned to Aayaan , but he was already ready to drop her home . Siya was pained by his silence . She wanted him to say something , but she remained quiet . I need this...Its all my fault..I cant blame him for anything...He has been such a darling , the best life partner but sorry Aayaan , I am not worthy of you I guess..

The drive seemed to be very short and Siya felt if only her home had been quite far , she would have got some more time to spend with him .. This is the first time Aayaan , that on whole way you were silent ..I know there is nothing to blame on you , but still Aayaan I love you very much ..I am sorry for whatever happened .. Aayaan was very hurt , obviously any true man would ...He stopped thinking anything , reserving all his thoughts to be pondered on his bed ...

Aayaan dropped her near her house , and Siya couldnt even say bye ...It was no use , she knew he may even say her good bye for ever very soon ... Aayaan went off I dont know Aayaan will I ever be able to see you again , because I know no man will ever like this but Aayaan...I am sorry Aayaan..I know probably you may even call off our relation , but Aayaan I really really love you ... Her thoughts were disturbed again by the call from home . She picked up and responded " I am just standing downstrais " and cut it without hearing from other end ...

Later in the night Siya left him a message " I know I hurt you lot , but still if you feel , we can meet up tomorrow . Good night and happy dreams "...She wanted to type more , but held back her thoughts ...Aayaan saw the text and went into his world of thoughts ..

Both wanted to say so much , yet the silence was the only communication they preferred to hide their feelings....

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Aayaan reached home but he was still in a state of shock ..Obviously , any man would ..He had mentally prepared himself of what all she could say , but he didnt expect this ..It was a big blow ..While driving home to Siya , when her dupatta touched his shirt , he felt the feather light cloth as a heavy burden ..He wanted to throw it off , but acted with his senses . He didnt even gave her a look when she tried to lift her hands for bidding goodbye..He felt bad , as he never behaved with Siya this way , but jo usene kiya kya wo sahi tha ????

Aayaan was unusually quiet that night , and excused his silence as not feeling well and went off to sleep early .Alone in the room , he was staring at the ceiling , with his head resting on his palms ..Her words were still ringing in his mind .." and he kissed me on my lips " He got so angry that he decided to break off the relationship ...I had been true , I have changed myself for her ..I have done best what I can , but is this what she gave me in return ? How can she... ? No , how can I share my life with someone who has already been touched ( kissed ) by someone else ? How can I ...??

Aayaan got angry on Siya . He felt as if she has betrayed him . I dont want to be with that bitch anymore ..no ways ..I will marry another good and decent girl but not her ..She is not for me ..She is a bitch , who ..Stop it Aayaan , leave it. When she doesnt mean anything to you , just stop thinking about her and dont boil your blood for that girl ..Just leave it ...As Aayaan prepared to sleep . his mobile beeped the arrival of SMS..He knew that it was her message , but he didnt see it ..Get lost ...I am no more bothered about you ...

He couldnt sleep peacefully whole night ..something was disturbing him..Though he made his mind to quit the relationship , his heart wanted to give her one more chance ..He just then looked at his mobile and read her message ..He read aloud the words " If you feel ..." Aayaan shes still thinking of you ..and his softer side immediately recalled every moment spent with her .The dreams their four eyes saw , the oneness two souls felt , the talks which their eyes had , the silence which they loved , the empty laughs at a silly joke , the comforted words that healed the wounds...his mind was boggling with sweet memories ..They seemed like lovers though their marriage had been fixed by the elders of the family .

He remembered the time he first saw her at the hotel , he fell in love with her ..The two families had come to meet and introduce the 'would be couple' to each other ..She wasnt beautiful . In fact she had everything in contrary

what a man would look for his "dream girl"..She was dark , not that beautiful , bit overweight , clad in salwar suit , hair plaited , with simple accesories , and no make up except for the lipstick ...It was her simplicity and the trueness that had

drawn him ..I said 'yes' looking her simplicity and felt she was true ..she had proved me right..she was good at heart , true , honest , sweet , who at times was as innocent as a kid and sometimes as matured as my granny..Whatever she was , she had always trusted and wanted to be trusted ..She had not hidden anything form me till date, and even now , its because she loved me truly , she said everything , knowing that after this , I might call off the relationship ...She is true Aayaan , the quality that you loved very much in her and now its paining you ???Let her be given a chance , she is not bad , you know that ...

Even she has changed for you ..she is allergic to perfumes , but hasnt she quietly adjusted with you ? She is looking quite opposite of what she used to ..she has changed herself so much and most of all , how can you forgot the time she supported when you lost you job and when the whole family was against you , it was only her words that brought you back from the thought of suicide ...even that time , she ahd a terrible accident , but did she never let you know ?? It was only after you called her for a treat for the new job offer you got , she told you about the accident ...How can you forget that ?? She loves you , and thats why did all this ..and now , her ne truth is paing you so much ??? Do you think she is happy telling all this ? She needs your trust most now and you are caaling her a bitch ?No Aayaan, its not right , you got to listen her ..she needs you ..

He took a deep breath and murmered to himself "Fine Siya , I wont come to any conclusion till I hear from you everything .."

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Aayaan was looking more calmer than his usual …Form his face , it was evident he didn’t want to think about it more , because he knew the more I think about it , the more negative thoughts will start cropping my mind ..He looked himself at the mirror and said to himself Aayaan don’t take any decision in sway of emotions …Act practically .. You know that you don’t behave like this , then why you hurt Siya yesterday ? Fine jo hua so ho gaya ..Take care that till she completes what she want to you are not going to leave her..You will be with her , whatever she says …At the thought of the word whatever for a moment his wild thoughts went to extreme thinking what is Siya says about XYZ things also …But he brought back his thoughts forcefully Stop thinking like that Aayaan , Siya is not that bad..She might not have done these things and all …

Aayaan immediately looked at the watch and the clock struck 9.00 A.M.excatly …She will be in mandir now …Anyways let me just message and check out ..His accustomed fingers , immediately typed in text message …Sorry slept last night ..When and where you want to meet today ? Contrary to his expectations , within a minute he got the reply …He looked at the watch again and was sure that this time , she will be at temple and never carries mobile while going there and even if she carries , its switched off ..How come she replied now ? He immediately text her again and asked Where are you now ? “At temple” came the reply …

How come you messaging me from there ? You never do that ! Aayaan was really surprised ..There was a long pause ..Aayaan knew she was hesitating , so he thought to ask her when they meet up …

Both were waiting for 1.00 P.M..That was the time Siya wanted to meet him at the CCD ( Café Coffee Day ) ..Usually on Sunday they meet up in evening and have dinner together , but today Siya had got lots to tell and she was in hurry to lighten her heart , so she asked him to meet up for lunch ..The time seemed to moved very slow and both were eager to see each other ..Though usually they would be excited and make lot of plans , this time things were different …Both were eager to meet , but this time both of them had a fear in thieir mind ..Siyas were of losing Aayaan and Aayaan’s was of hearing more such unexpected things from her ..

Aayaan reached the place before 15 minutes itself . Siya came at dot 1.00 P. M…She was not surprised to see the usual late comer coming beforehand ..It was obvious …She dared not look at him and sat in opposite chair…But Aayaan had noticed lot of differences in her ..She was clad in a simple salwar , contrary to the stylish ones she used to wear , as he liked it …Except for the bindi , there were no accessories …Her eyes were red and swollen , obvious due to ack to sleep and crying …She looked dull and lifeless ..Aayaan was pained to see her like this ..He didn’t expect the ever bubbly , bold , cheerful Siya to see like this …His heart melted and felt guilty for his behaviour for the previous night …

Someone needed to break the ice , and Aayaan knew how to start off..He directly looked at her and asked “ I know you didn’t have anything from yesterday evening , so just tell me what will you have ?”

тнє мєєтιηg ... 2

"Nothing" only could come out from Siya ...She didnt want to have anything , especially in the company of her true love and was the reason of his pain ...She felt guilty ..The fear of losing him forever was eating her ...Though she didnt say anything , Aayaan understood . He knew that she was more disturbed than him . When hearing such a thing has caused me so much disturbance , I wonder how she got courage to tell me all this despite knowing that how will I react ..Just think Aayaan , how much it has bothered her from that moment , not able to reveal such things to anyone , but you ...How many days and nights she would have wept alone , with this suffocation and guilt...Now that she has confided to you everything , you can atleast try to lighten her burden she is carrying .. With this thought , he thought to behave normally to her , so that his strange behaviour doesnt hurt her more . He kept reminding himself You are not gonna lose your patience ..let her finish ..she needs you.."Ab kahogi bhi ? He is waiting for your order" Aayaan asked Siya once again .Siya was silent ..Aayaan didnt want to waste a single moment , as he knew she got lots to tell..He knew her choice so he ordered for 2 chocolate icecream..

Silence prevailed until the ice cream arrived .Aayaan was having it casually , as if it was the only thing he came for..Siya was surprised to see this . She knew he never liked chocolate flavour..He hated it ..Siya wafted through the time ,when she went out for dinner with him first time - she was shocked to hear that he didnt like chocolate at all ..He loved strawberry flavour and she hated it . At that time she had thought that how could she live with a man , who hated chocolate , while she was a choco-lover . But opposites attract . They respected their differences and this flavour issue had infact helped in freezing their feelings for each other .."

She remembered her first time when she was angry with him , they landed up in an ice cream parlour . He tried to please her with his charming talks , and when nothing worked out , he atlast ordered for an chocolate ice cream and tried to eat ,but it didnt last for more tham two spoonfuls , as he started to have vomiting sensation . She asked him "Jab tumhe isse se itni allergy hai , to tumne kyun khaya ? " and Aayaan replied with a smile "I am sorry ..tum naraaz thi ..and you love chocolate na , so maine socha ki agar main tumhare saath khaunga to may be tumhara gussa kam ho jayega , but sorry , mujhse khaya nahi gaya "

"Stupid , next time aise kSandeep mat karna . please , kSandeep nahi " ..Aayaan smiled seeing her tears ..And seeing him , Siya too smiled ..They understood , what others couldnt . And Siya never fought with him again . But today , Siya was speechless to see Aayaan emptying the bowl..Aayaan smiled at her , telling " Ab kya ice cream ko shake banakar peene ka irada hai ? " ..Siya could hardly eat ... Already she was too much disturbed with things going wrong and on top of that Aayaan ate chocolate ice cream !! Ye sab kya ho raha hai ? Siya was trying hard to be normal..The more her inner feelings were battling , the more calmer she tried to act...She was trying hard to understand Aayaan . She expected he would blast her , but yahan to sab ulta ho raha hai..Hey Bhagwan , main kya karun ? Please please kuch kijiye..Strangely , not a single drop of tear trickled down...Her eyes had poured out everything yesterday night itself ..She didnt even leave room for one drop to stay in her eyes ..

But Aayaan was trying to read those eyes , which were unable to mask Siyas feelings ...Though outwardly she was silent , she was unable to control her eyes who were trying to converse with Aayaan , pleading him not to leave her ..

She was so lost in thoughts that she didnt knew when he paid the bill. It was only when he touched her and asked "Chalen?" did she realize that it was time to experience the hell again...But when Aayaan , as usual , held her hands while walking out , she trembled ..She wanted to hold it tightly , but she was afraid...

вяєαкιηg тнє ѕιℓєη¢є

Aayaan was expecting Siya to open up ..He wanted her to …otherwise her silence will kill me… “ Its gonna rain today..You are silent !!! It has never been like this before !!” Siya didn’t react … Bad joke.. Aayaan thought …He was thinking how to make her talk , for she was silent from the time she met him today .. He was getting desperate to hear her voice , and he didn’t know whether it was right to show that to her …

It was first time that an hour had passed since their meet , and Siya was silent . Siya , like girls , was talkative ..She never would give rest to her voice , and Aayaan never gave rest to his ears ..Both loved the chatter – although many times it would be one-sided …

Aayaan felt as if he was riding the bike alone....The hands that touched his shoulders , the voice he heard everytime he was driving with her , was missing .. Every now and then , he would check whether she is still sitting behind ..His concentration was on her rather than driving..Aayaan wanted her to talk ..Kuch to kaho Siya , please , yun chup mat raho …please kuch kaho ..

Siya was still trying to muster all the courage to speak to him . She felt angry on herself …He is behaving so nicely …I know Aayaan , you are trying to make me feel comfortable , but I am not able to …Not after seeing those expressions on your face …Please Aayaan, Please gimme some more minutes , I will talk to you ..As Aayaan was taking a U-turn , from the corner of his eyes , he tried to look at Siya , and not aware of the coming car , which was continuously honking at his bike . Siya noticed and also saw that Aayaan was looking at her . She immediately shouted Sambhalke Aayaan.. and Aayaan was saved from meeting an serious accident ..

Aayaan heaved a sigh of relief ..The on-lookers thought that as a sign of being averted from a big accident , but Aayaan was happy that he finally heard her …They reached their favourite place and Aayaan looked lovingly at Siya ..The lifeless place was very special to both , as it was the hub of their many wonderful memories and dreams which were seen by the four eyes ..

By now , Siya was trying to hard to be normal ..She was , except for the silence …She again wanted Aayaan to start off the conversation , and he did… “ You know, first time when you told me about this place and we were together , I was thinking , Yuck how bad was your choice ..But now I am in love with this place ..” Siya looked at him and was amazed of his honesty…She never wanted anyone to speak bad about that place , Aayaan knew this ..But when he told this today , she liked it , as it was said casually by the very man she loved most ..

It was turn of Siya to say something ..Comeon Siya, wo kabse tumse baat karne ki kosish kar raha hai , aur tum ho ki…You gotta talk ..NOW.. “ Aayaan , I love you” .. “ I know that honey”..Siya was speechless when she saw his ever charming smile ….All the courage which she gathered to speak up , went on a toss ..

She sank into his eyes and found happiness that words couldn’t describe .. “ Heyyy..kahan kho gayi ???”…Aayaan brought her back into the real world ..Fine ..this is the real world ..ab sapne sirf sapne hi rahenge ..they will turn into reality .. As if Aayaan read her mind , he consled her “ I will always be with you …Promise …And if you don’t mind , I want to ask you something , which I wanted to ask you from morning …”

¢σηƒєѕѕιση σƒ ѕιyα

How it felt when you kissed That was the question Siya was expecting when she heard that question from Aayaan ..."Hey..how come you replyed me when you were in temple ?" Aayaan's question cut the negative thoughts that were running in her mind...Again no reply ...She looked at Aayaan desperately...Aayaan understood what her lips could never convey ...She was so desperate to hear from me , that she broke a principle which she so strictly follows , just because to talk to me ???

Aayaan ki nazar main Siya ke liye pyar aur badh gaya ...He looked at her very respectfully . In a confident tone , he asked her " I am waiting to lighten your heart with me , if you trust me ..." These words were more than enough for her heartache ...She felt that she need to speak out to him , and this time without thinking anything...

" I had got the biggest shock of my life at that time ..I never expected Asif will behave like this with me ...I was hurt a lot and that night I cried like a hell..I felt as if someone raped me ...I..I..." Siya shivered as she told this ...But Aayaans warm hands tried to instill in her confidence to continue..But who can soothe the paining heart which had been carrying this guilt for so many years ????" I couldnt look at myself in mirror next morning ...Weird thoughts were running in my mind ...I tried to divert my mind in the work , but how can anyone escape from their own conscience...It was at time time , when in our office they announced for a small outing ..

I wanted to talk to Asif and let him know how his stupid act had hurt me , to the core ...These days he was busy with an assignment , so we didnt talk neither messaged ..He thought that I didnt meassage him , as I didnt want him to disturb , but he didnt knew how much I was disturbed because of him ...

He was very excited about the outing as he thought we would get to spend some quality time ...And even I decided to pour out my feelings and draw a line for our relationships before things go out of hands ...

ℓσνє нυятѕ....

I couldnt decide myself what to do ...Sometimes I felt very angry for his behaviour , but other times I couldnt forget his every little act of love and care ...After fighting a long inner battle , I finally decided to forgive him , with of course drawing a line on physical touch and all...I didnt knew how to tell him , but I wanted to ..Because I felt if I didnt , then I would never be able to forgive myself ..

During the outing , I tried to behave normal , but I couldnt ...The more I tried to act normal , the more stupid way was behaving ...Arif sensed , something was not okay , he asked me too ...but I didnt feel it was right place for me to express my thoughts ..Though the weather was awesome with chill breeze , inside I was suffocating ..."

Siya choked as she was speaking ..Her pale face reflected the same sorrow and pain , what she must have gone through few years back ...Aayaan was doing all he could , but still he felt helpless..He felt very bad for Siya , because as far as he knew she was the best girl he has ever seen in his life ..But he least expected that his "dream girl" would have such black memories and guilt's in her life ..

Siya stopped for a minute as she found hard to continue ...Aayaan didnt know what to do ..after all he did what best man can , probably even beyond that , but now he was confused ..He too remained silent for sometime and then spoke up - " Siya , I love you sweetheart..Mujhe tumhari pichli zindagi ke baare main kuch nahi janana ..sachi ...I know my Siya and I love her , not like I used to , but more than that ...Meri nazar main tumhare liye izzat aur pyar aur jyaada ho gaya hai ..Lets leave back everything .."

That was too much for Siya ..Any girl would have felt on cloud nine , hearing from the soul she loved most , and accepting her in spite of all this things ..Siya too thanked God 1000 times for bestowing her with such a wonderful partner , but she said " Aayaan I love you too ..Main jaanti hun , tum bahut ache ho , isliye tum mujhe takleef main nahi dekhna chahte ...But Aayaan , I want you to know everything , please .."

Aayaan decided not to stop her again ...He again gave his cutest smile and said " Kya main jaanta nahi tum kitni ziddi ho..Fine ..carry on , I promise I wont stop you " The lifeless face of Siya also suddenly seemed to spark with a new life .." It was after a week of our return from outing , during the tea-break , I spoke to him ...I wanted to tell him so many things , but I couldn't .I could just say that whatever he did that day , was not good and I didnt like that ..He very casually replied that it was just his acts of deep love he has on me ...I couldnt look at him , coz I didnt want him to see my hurt and pain , but I just ran away from that place ....

тнє ѕιℓєηт вяєαк -υρ

I dont know why , but from that day I never spoke to Arif..Something in me changed..I was not same Siya ...I knew that I should speak out and make things clear..But I never dared to .Whenever I saw him , it hurt me more , and I would turn away , willing never to see him ...

Arif tried to do best whatever he can ..He messaged me , called me innumerable times ,tried to speak through other colleagues and all , but I was broken ..I had started to hate myself...You ..you dont know how I felt.." and Siya broke down ..This time she couldnt hide her emotions ...She weeped bitterly ...Seeing her cry , Aayaan felt pity for her ...He understood what she must have gone through , suppressing all this fear for years and letting out to the person whom she loved most , whom she was about to being a new journey of life , whom she trusted so much yet yesterday had been so rude to her ...

Siya slowed down a bit ...She hugged Aayaan tightly , as if she wanted to escape from past memories , who had done everything to break her ..It hurt Aayaan , as Siya had never hugged him so tightly , but in return , he hugged her tighter ..Siya felt safe in his arms ..Afte a long time , she opened her eyes and wiping her tears , said " Thanks.."

" Thanks ??? Dumbo..." and amidst the pain in her eyes , her sweet lips curved a little .." I knew that behind my back , my colleagues were gossiping about my strange behaviour with Arif , as almost everyone knew of our relationship..But I cared a damn , or thats what I tried to..I tried to focus on my career because , at the moment , that was the only thing that helped me to keep in my senses .."

Time went by ..It was difficult to come out of all this , as everyday I had to see his face , and have professional talks , but still I did it ...One of my close colleague wanted to know that why we broke up , but I didnt have any answer...I knew she didnt ask me of her own ,Arif had sent her as his mouthpiece , but I felt that I neednt give an expalnation to anyone ...

Things seemed to turn out normal again , or thats what I presumed , for , I was unaware that life was preparing to pull me much more down ...

α ηєω ѕтαят

I was trying to bounce back to life , leaving back everything , trying to forget about Prakash and Arif ..I tried to happy and cheeky , like before , and put all my concentration in the work ...Past few months I had been casual at work because of this love thingy , but now I had to move ahead ...So I worked hard day and night ..and without my knowledge , I was reaching new scales ..I was happy with the progress I made , but it wouldnt last long as I would get to see Arif's face every now and then , and moreover the never ending gossips behind my back sometimes would hurt me to the core , shattering my confidence...

It was at this stage I discovered a new friend in Sandeep . His name was Sandeepnandan , but friends called him Sandeep . Sandeep and I were just an SMS friend . We never met nor spoke to each other , we would just exchange messages and knew something bit about our life ..He knew that I was in love with Arif , and all . He often used to say that love is all a shit and crap , but I would never listen to him , because I strongly believed in love .

When I broke up with Arif, Sandeep was unaware of this . I used to share my other problems , family tiffs and all and he would help me to come out of all that . As my wounds were fresh , often I would end up crying , blaming myself . His face would come in front of me and all those black memories pained me more . Only my God knew How I spend those nights , weeping bitterly inside my blanket , though I would sweat inside because of the heat .

Time passed on and Sandeep and I became good friends . One day , I couldnt take it any longer , and I wanted to give away my life , for the pain inside was unbearable ..I wanted to escape from the clutches of my past , which were torturing me day and night ...And at time , Sandeep messaged me . I couldnt control and said about my break up . He was angel that God sent me .. Yeah Aayaan , had it not been him , I wouldnt have been alive today . " And Aayaan could see gratitude in her eyes ..there was something else her eyes spoke , which Aayaan tried to figure out , but he listened to her ..

From then on , Sandeep would message me almost every night and we would have a long chat ...In no time , he became my best friend and life didnt seem to be burden anymore , for Sandeep was always there whenever I needed him ...

тнє вυ∂∂ιηg ƒяιєη∂ѕнιρ

Sandeep was the best person I met in life ...In fact it was he who brought "life" in my life ...though we never met or seen each other , it never seemed so...In no time , I shared every little secret of my life with Sandeep ...Being feminine , it was me who spoke most of the time ..Sometimes I would get angry on why he wouldn't open his heart like me , but then I would have lot of things to share with him , that all my grudges would fly away...

It was only at night time we would chat , as during daytime he didn't want anyone to disturb him as he was quite serious with work ...We fought , laughed , had fun , poked each other through messages ...And then one night , during our random chatter , Sandeep said he was quite surprised that we have become good friends , but have never seen each other..In fact, we didn't even heard each others voice also ...So we decided to meet up the following week.

I had met so many persons in life , but I was quite scared of meeting Sandeep...I don't know what image he had of me in his mind ..I was very complex about my looks at that time ." Aayaan knew all this ..He smiled as he recalled his first meeting with Siya - the simplest girl he had ever seen..

"The day we were about to meet , I called him , to hear his voice , so that I get confident to meet him ..I spoke like a tele caller , faking my name as Deepti...He was quite busy at that time I guess , as there was hustle-bustle sound behind him ...I hung up saying he was not interested ...I didn't want the call to be end abruptly like that , so I called him again..Though he was irritated to get a call from same number , this time I told that it was me.." Siya smiled as she was lost in old memories ..Aayaan understood what this smile was for..."He cut the call telling that he looked forward for the meeting eagerly , but he couldn't talk as he was quite busy...

" I was very eager to meet this friend of mine ..Of course I had created thousand images of him by this time , but I was very eager to meet this angel , who almost changed the course of my life with his sweet messages ..."

тнє мєєт

I messaged Sandeep that I may get late for ten minutes , as I was struck up at work ...But in fact I reached the place about 20 minutes earlier .." Aayaan could see the crosss smile Siya's lips unknowingly curved to ... Sandeep has been a very special friend I guess .. Aayaan noticed that Siya was carried away with the old times ..Probably the best times of her life ... Siya was ...She forgot , for a moment , whom she was sitting beside ..She continued dreamily : "I kept messaging him every time minute , obviously very eager to meet " Every time he replied on the way , but for 40 minutes , he didn't' turn up ..I was sure he would come . Because I knew he would ...

He didn't pick my calls nor didn't reply my messages for sometimes.. I was worried as it was getting late and I had to rush back home ..Finally he came ...I was angry , but still I respected his presence . I knew there would have been a strong reason ..I don't know why Aayaan , but when I met Sandeep , I blushed ..I still don't know why I behaved so ...For the first time , I was tongue-tied ..It was he who continuously chattered and I was a mute spectator to his chatter ...I still can't forget the way I stupidly behave .."

Saying this , Siya gave a broad smile , which in these course of days was lost amidst bitter incidents ...Aayaan was happy to see her happy , genuinely happy .. " Siya was lost into thoughts ..She was recollecting the best phase of her life ...She wanted to describe about every moment , every conversation , everything about Sandeep and her life ..But can words do that ??? Never ...But expressions did ..

" That was the best meeting of life ..I met the best person of my life ...and I was the most stupid girl on the earth to have behaved that way ..Yet I love those time we spent ..For I knew , my life is never gonna be same again ..And it was true ...

υηƒυяℓιηg α ¢ℓσѕє∂ ρєтαℓ

Siya felt as if she was walking on the land of dreams , for that was the sweetest 'real' dream of her life ..Suddenly a wave of thought brought her back to senses ...She immediately looked at Aayaan , as if woken up from a dream ..He was smiling , confused-ly . Aayaan was in dilemma - whom he is in with - Siya : a girl of her dreams or the kid , who is still clinging to her past ??? Aayaan was totally confused ...from whatever he heard from Siya , she seemed to be a totally different girl . And I was proud that I understand her so well ..The fact is , I can't understand her at all !! Aayaan looked at Siya , as if trying to get an answer for his confusion that was running parallel on his mind ..

Siya stared at Aayaan for a while .." Aayaan , I am sounding too childish and seem to be very indifferent today na ? " " Nahi sweetheart ..nothing like that " Siya sensed a hesitance in those words ...She knew he cant be blamed ..that's how girls are ! and she was no way different than this feminine characteristic !

"Its ok honey ...I know what are you thinking ...But Aayaan , let me confess that I was this only , and still partly .." ..Now Aayaan couldn't hide his confusion anymore ...Enough of brain scratching ..his curiosity took over his ego " this ??"

" Yeah ...a girl who never forgets her past ,lives in those memories at the same time walking in hands with her present ..."

Aayaan got more confused ...Is this Siya ? or am I talking to some other girl ???

A girl , who a day back was drenched in tears , depression , pain and all , was suddenly wearing a different colour altogether ...He now understood why girls are called as a species who could never be understood , for no one man can discover what goes in her mind and heart !

"Aayaan , I am an emotional girl , who was very sensitive to happening of life ....I love my past , thoguh it has nothing great nor memorable treasure within it , but only because it taught me to how to live life , how love and accept myself ..the way blows should be handled , etc etc ... "

Aayaan nodded , trying to understand every word her lips spoke...Still few things went beyong his understanding ...

Siya , strangely this time , held out her hand , and placed his hand admist hers assuringly , looking deeply in his eyes , mumbling "Aayaan , I really love you , and I know you too love me ...Our journey is yet to begin , and there is lot , we need to understand about each other ! "

hope you liked it.... its not completely imagination.... some part are inspired by other book and movies :-P ..............