ME and MY LONELINESS: A dairy ENTRY of 11th march 2010

Today its March 11, 2010, 3.33 am. After so many night so solitude and desolations, after so many nights of making my pillow wet, I realized what was it, that changed my life, what took my first love away from me, its was all cause me, cos I had suffocated her, I was making her frustrated, ya I was doing so, I used to be a boy who always complained, I still do, I used to split out my frustrations, incapabilities on her, she was just a small kid at heart, innocent gal, my arrogance changed her, once she used to be a sweet kid who used to get sad wid her problems and I used to cutely make her understand stuffs, those days I had no pressure, no tension, all I had was her and my love for her, and den came the burden of future, responsibilities, its not that that I didn’t had responsibilities before but I use to ignore them , before meeting her I had a huge debt, but it was her who made me realized and when I wanted to change myself, I got so much changed that every time I thought of future, I didn’t had money for admission, I borrowed, took money on interest, did everything, took admission and after few classes only I stopped going, all money got wasted, I was such a rascal, and den started getting frustrated as was getting to listen a lot from family….. she was just innocent baby, I blamed her that she didn’t gave time, she was not serious, she was meeting other guys, I tried to snatch away her freedom. A day was there when I used to understand what she felt even when she was hundreds of miles away and when she was near me, I didn’t understand her problems and sufferings, my problems seemed big to me, today also same problems are there but now I have no one to complain…… I have no one on whom I can shout…… I can’t say what I am feeling….. I have joined animation classes, I am studying, that’s what my friends n family think…….. for everyone I am happy, still no one knows how I feel………. I have few net friends whom I talk wid still can’t share stuff……… I don’t know why I am like this…… I can’t even die as I am not a coward…….. I can’t let my family suffer of the stuff I did, even if I die, I will so such thing that my family won’t suffer…………………….. every time my animation seems coming to an end……… but will not let it end……. I will give everything for it……. I dunno what I’m gonna do, sometime I think I will kill myself and everything will come to an end…….. I feel so helpless sitting in front of computer everyday, I search someone who will understand me, who will help me, share my pain……. But everyday I have to bear it alone……. Sometime I feel I am the loneliest person on earth……. Sometime I think why is money so important….. why didn’t I get stuff easily, why do I have to cry…….. people say boys don’t cry only wimps do……. Ya I am a wimp, a loser, a stupid guy…….. I dunno from where I’m gonna arrange such huge amount of money…… I feel I am trying to escape , I feel I have never ever tried with full effort…… well this is my final try……… if I succeed I will achieve everything and even forget her……… I will move ahead……. And if I fail I will wipeout everything…….. cos it was my mistake………. And if the root won’t be there den the chances of committing mistakes won’t be there…….. …….. Aditya will disappear in the sands of time just leaving ashes of his past behind……..

Now I realized that it was not my fate, that turned me to a loser, but it was me myself who turned out to be loser…… I know my circumstances were responsible, but I always kept on being pessimist, never tried being an optimist.. and now I have nothing, no love, no dream, I see everyone has achieved something, someone got back lost love, someone made his/her career, someone will become successful and me , I stand alone…. Aditya this guy will never make anything….. will always remain a loser…… no he won’t now I won’t lose…. What if siya left me, my dreams don’t get true….. I will start everything again from zero level….. I will join india’s best animation institute…… and this aditya is dead from today…….. a new aditya is born today…. I will fight back…. Live life to fullest….. will never complain……. I will be India\s best animator sumday …. If not best but an animator…………. The war has begun again………. I will achieve everything I lost….. but I will never try to get any love…… that fucking shitty emotion…… I just want to be successful and one day I will make so much money that I will buy a love for me……. And I sware I will never complain for anything from today……. This aditya dies……..